Entry #19, March 22-29
Finals
Friday, Mar 22 (9:14 P.M.)
It’s been one week since I last wrote. Everything that happened in between will be erased from history.
I have been suffering from my unpredictable emotions. My mood swings so rapidly every day, sometimes every hour. When I force myself to be positive, later I feel very sad and contemplate s... something bad, and later I feel calm and peaceful again.
I feel helpless as an observer. I see myself transform from a happy person who wants to conquer my predicament into someone who just wants to sink deeper in isolation and loneliness. They’re the same person, but it’s like they don’t know each other. How could they? They couldn’t occupy the same space at the same time. There’s no middle ground.
Next week will be the last week of this semester, and there are a lot of things that happened this term, mostly avoidable and regrettable things.
Tomorrow, I have two exams. I have to focus and study now. I am grateful for Oasis for creating songs that make me feel a little better. Enough to lift the clouds hanging over my brain so that it can function.
Saturday, Mar 23 (4:40 P.M.)
I’m here in the library again. This is the last Saturday of this term for me. My Physics laboratory class is finally over. I’m relieved that I didn’t have to pair up with anyone for the final exam, and no more group activities for now until the next semester.
This is also the third straight Saturday that I haven’t gone to church. My alibi, or I should say reason (it’s not a crime to miss my commitment to serve God so I can study, right?), is that I need to prepare for finals week.
At the end of every term, there’s a quiet sense of nostalgia, but not so much this time. What I feel most is that I can finally breathe.
Tuesday, Mar 26 (7:31 P.M.)
Today was the last regular class day of the term. I’m certain that I’m going to pass two courses (Values Education and English) and fail one (Physics lecture). I’m not sure about the four remaining courses.
This term was another unpredictable ride. I thought I had destroyed everything when I went into a breakdown, but I was lucky enough to still have a chance to have more passing grades than failing ones.
Earlier, I attended what would be my very last English class. I am truly thankful to my kind English professor, who made the course fun and easy. A much-needed contrast to my major courses. Last term was so different because of the other professor. It was hectic, and there was so much work to do and so many requirements to pass. I passed it, but I was exhausted.
The other class who had my last professor experienced the same hectic class this term, with so many interviews and speaking activities, while we only had one. That one was today, and I was again disappointed with myself. I failed to take advantage of the opportunity.
I had only a few sentences to say in our business presentation earlier, but I still blew it. I was confident in the beginning, but when our group was in front of the class, my heart started beating a bit faster. And when it was my turn, I stumbled over the words I had memorized, and I couldn’t face the audience, who were only my classmates.
My stage fright has won again. But I’m lucky it was only for today, and it was quick. What if I were in the class where my previous English professor was assigned? Then I’d be dying of embarrassment every time.
I write in English in my diary and other notes, but I couldn’t speak it fluently. Seriously, what is wrong with me?
Wednesday, Mar 27 (9:04 P.M.)
Earlier tonight, while I was on my way home, I came across someone in my Physics lecture class. He said things that made me feel horrible.
He told me that it’s a shame that I’m not attending the class anymore because the professor is giving them good grades, higher than they expected. Even though he’d never passed an exam, he still has a big chance of passing the course because our professor is editing the grades to help him pass.
She was as afraid of failing students in her class as I am of failing her course. It made sense because it was her first teaching stint, and she was being evaluated by her superiors. We are all under pressure from someone above. And I couldn’t see it because I was so caught up in my own struggles!
There’s nothing I can do about it now. It’s over and done with. I tell myself it was inevitable. That it was my fate. This way of thinking makes me weak and unwilling to fix the mess I made. But all of this is just a way of coping, to make the punch of regret land less hard.
I need to review for my Calculus and Discrete Math exams tomorrow. I’ve got to carry the remaining things that I haven’t thrown away yet.
Thursday, Mar 28 (8:12 P.M.)
Two more final exams done, one to go. I’m finally feeling good about my Calculus class, which I was taking for the fourth time. I only slept two hours last night because I needed to study hard. The final exam this time was easier than the previous three.
The remaining exam is for English. It should be easy. Regardless, I’m still reviewing.
Friday, Mar 29 (5:45 P.M.)
Today is officially the last day of the hardest semester for me, emotionally.
Now, I feel nostalgic again. Even though it wasn’t a good term, there were some good things. Moments you fail to recognize during the chaos and only appreciate when things stop becoming overwhelming, when you have time to pause and reflect. And maybe that’s why I always feel a sort of longing sadness during the final days of a term.
I patiently waited for my friends from the arts program, and we went home together. This day turned out better than I expected.
