Entry #17, March 5-9
Ninth Week
Tuesday, Mar 5 (5:32 A.M.)
My stomach is churning and my heart is throbbing first thing in the morning.
Time to go to school.
(10:49 A.M.)
I just had a chat with my Engineering classmates in my English class. One of them mentioned a certain part of a computer and was surprised when I didn’t know it, because I’m an Electronics and Communication Engineering student like him.
We talked about our studies and joked about stuff like normal people. I got depressed when I was reminded again of the long way that I still need to go through to get through college.
We checked out some lists on the bulletin board: the list of graduating Engineering students and Dean’s Listers. I thought to myself, I’ll never get that high grade.
I don’t envy those people with high grades because I don’t like what I’m studying. In fact, I’m always one of the top students in my minor courses, which ironically I won’t need in Engineering.
I’m good at the things that don’t count.
Wednesday, Mar 6 (10:25 A.M.)
I’m in the library and I need to review my math course. But whenever I hear the word “math,” it irritates me. Just hearing it makes my skin crawl.
When some engineering student here in the library mentions it or other engineering-related courses, it grates on my ears. It’s driving me crazy. I feel like my head is going to snap.
I’m so stressed out. I need a long undisturbed peaceful sleep.
This program is really killing me. The anesthesia of positive thinking that I injected into my brain during the first week of this semester has worn off, and the pain is here again. I can’t escape this reality. Imprisoned by numbers and formulas and belief systems and my parents’ decisions about my life. I feel no agency over my life.
There are only four weeks left. Last week was wasted on self-destruction again. The only time I have any control over my life is when I’m destroying it.
Friday, Mar 8 (4:46 P.M.)
Values Education is the easiest class this semester, and even though I’m not paying one hundred percent attention to that class, I’ve learned more there about myself: my character, my work values, and how I’m in a program that doesn’t match my skill set. One activity we did there confirmed that I like to work independently and that I can be unpredictable in what I do.
And maybe that’s why I skipped my first class earlier today. This week I was also absent one time in my English class. I feel so exhausted. I can only blame myself. For believing the things I believe in, for being drawn to things I’m drawn to. I deserve everything that’s coming.
Saturday, Mar 9 (4:09 P.M.)
Nine weeks have passed, and I’m getting tired of dealing with the people at school. I’m sick of interacting with them. And I’m sick of writing about my bullshit life!
